There are times that, as a female, I feel totally out of sync with the rest of my fellow females. I seem to have nothing in common with the women I know, and I think that, somewhere along the line, I must have missed something. For instance:
1) I don’t like to read mushy, gushy books. Don’t hand me a romance novel – give me a good Mary Higgins Clark mystery, or a collection of columns by Dave Barry. And I just can’t bring myself to read saccharine-soaked devotional books like those written by Max Lucado. My ideal devotional book would be The Three Stooges Guide to Daily Devotions. Unfortunately, I don’t think that book exists.
2) I don’t like soap operas. Even though I’m home all day, I never watch TV (except for the news) because I don’t care if All My Children are at odds with The Young and the Restless As The World Turns around General Hospital. I’d rather listen to talk radio (especially Tony Snow) or listen to music. Right now I have five Mannheim Steamroller discs in my CD player, so there.
3) I hate to cook. My grandmothers, mother and sister are all wonderful cooks, but for some reason the cooking gene didn’t get passed to me. I get self-induced allergic reactions at the idea of mincing onions and chopping fresh herbs. Why do all that work when the grocery store provides you with frozen chopped onions and dried herbs in little plastic containers? Now, I’ll cook out of necessity (one cannot live on Wendy’s food alone) and once every year I’ll dust off my Christmas recipe book and whip up some goodies, but I wish the chore of day in and day out cooking fell to someone else. Preferably someone who didn’t mind cleaning up afterward, either.
4) I have absolutely no fashion sense. I do most of my clothes shopping at Wal-Mart, or through JCPennney’s catalog, and I only go clothes shopping when I need to. I think weekly trips to the mall are a complete waste of time, and since I’m 6’1″ clothes at the mall don’t fit me, anyway. And as for makeup, I only wear makeup to church or on special occasions. I know women who spend an hour in the bathroom every morning fixing their hair and putting on makeup only to spend the day at home mincing onions while watching soap operas or (gag me) Oprah Winfrey. I’ve watched Oprah on a rare occasion, and I know her opinions about clothes and makeup. If she ever visited my house, I think she’d go into shock because I only have one eye shadow compact, and it’s blue.
5) I like football. Now, I know that there’s plenty of women out there who like football, but if given the choice between football or figure skating, they’d go with figure skating. Not this chick. I’ll take a blitzing linebacker over a spinning skater any day. How do those skaters spin like that without barfing, anyway?
6) I also like tools. I’d rather go shopping for tools than go shopping for clothes because for me, tools are toys. They’re fun to play with and, when you’re done playing, you usually have some sort of useful result like you’ve fixed your truck or built a shed or refinished an antique. Meanwhile, the dress I bought for Carl’s fancy “introduction to the dual degree program” dinner just hangs in the closet because I prefer to wear pants to church. Why? Because I think I have ugly legs, that’s why. Also, it’s cold around here right now and pantyhose provide no warmth whatsoever.
The thing is, I have no problem with not being as “feminine” as the other ladies I know. I tend to view some of their behaviours (like having a dozen pairs of high heeled shoes that are the same color) as horribly impractical. I mean, it would be nice if I was a better cook, or a little more fashion conscious, but then I wouldn’t be me – the practical female who can walk into the ladies’ bathroom on a Sunday morning and remount the paper towel holder to the wall using the proper hardware.
Hand me that screwdriver, would you?